the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
