he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
