I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
