I need to stop coming to work sober
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
