We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
