At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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