I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
