dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
