How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
