I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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