I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
whose parrot is this?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
