Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
