how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize