nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
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Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
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The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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