her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
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