Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
