I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Holy sore nipples Batman
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
