My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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