There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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