we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
