So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
