i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
