Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
