she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
