I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
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