headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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