saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
