when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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