saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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