So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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