Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
