when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
