the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
