So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
