You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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