ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
