We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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