I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
