dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
