Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
