.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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