I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
