Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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