To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
