I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
