woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
