i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
