I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
