All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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