i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
