we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
