I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
