Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
