pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
