Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
