Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Can vaginas get frostbite?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
