goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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